Everybody Says I'm Courageous

OK. Not everybody. But pretty much everybody who mails me about this web page. Hardly anyone comments on my fiction. One person mentioned that a link didn't work. Mostly people comment on the biographical stuff.

Which makes sense. There's, proportionately, so muchbiographical stuff. Each piece is shorter than any of the stories. And my links page isn't tremendous unless you wanna see what some of the people mentioned in my bio stuff do with their web space.

But I don't see how that makes me courageous. Maybe it's me and the environment I grew up in, but I feel kinda like the personal stuff is whining. I want to be free from the need to keep writing all this personal stuff down. I want each pane of silence to be already shattered, instead of continually crashing into one more thing I couldn't even see was there. How can it be courageous to speak when keeping the secret feels so much like a trap?

And how can it be courage with the people most affected can't see it? Granddaddy Lonon has no computer. Mom talks about getting online, but she doesn't really understand what it is. ("I wonder if you can buy stock in the The Internet?") Not even my connected dad knows about this page, unless he's bored enough sometime to put my name through Yahoo! It feels like it would hurt the innocent members to tell them, without gaining any justice from the guilty.

I just don't have time for everything. What time used to be free to be spent in writing far-off worlds where I could escape from my problems is now spent doing writing exercises designed to help solve them. Certainly it's all well and good that my problems be solved, but what of me? What of the other places developed as dissociation? (Would I write more or less, weirder or more realistically, if I'd had a more ideal childhood?) Dammit, when do I get me back? Or at least find out if that was the real me back then who wrote speculative fiction. I'd hate to find it wasn't; I liked her. Maybe this current me is more courageous, or at least more aware, but I want my creativity back.

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